Immanuel

Immanuel.

A time to reflect, a time to take stock.
A time for laughter, a time to relax.
A time to remember the gift of your presence.
Immanuel.

Thank you Jesus, that you came to earth.
Thank you Jesus, that you became one of us.
Thank you Jesus that you showed us the way.
Immanuel.

One year past and another beginning.
One year on a new journey, a new path.
One year of trust, one year of faithfulness.
Immanuel.

Two little boys so precious to hold.
Two little boys whom bring so much joy.
Two little boys I feel inadequate to lead.
Immanuel.

A selfish wife who wants to love more.
An impatient mother who wants to learn.
A self righteous heart that yearns for humility.
Immanuel.

People so full of life and rich in culture.
People wanting to be known and loved.
People so gifted and wonderfully made.
Immanuel.

Jesus, know me.
Jesus, see me.
Jesus walk with me.

Immanuel.

To do or not to do...

I have read quite a few posts by various people who are not 'doing' Santa with their children. For us it has kinda been a no brainer. Neither Adriaan or I grew up entertaining the idea of Santa so it was never an issue for us and not an issue with the wider family either (which I know can present some significant conflicts in some families). There are a number of reasons we don't focus on Santa but I think an important one is the possibility of creating confusion between Jesus and Santa. We tell our children about Jesus - but they can't see him. We tell them about Santa and they can't see him either (except dressed up in the shops). So in some ways Santa could become more real to them than Jesus. Yet as they grow older, they begin to realise the mythical nature of Santa... so is Jesus just a myth as well? They end up associating Christmas with both Jesus and Santa and for a two or three year old this might get quite confusing. A conversation with Caelan yesterday demonstrated this quite well.

Caelan was looking at our Christmas pudding.

C: Have some cake?
Me: No, that's the pudding for Christmas day.
C: Some birthday cake?
Me: It's kinda like a birthday cake. Christmas is like Jesus' birthday.
C: I'm scared Jesus.

(Note: the day before the local fire brigade had driven down our street, with fireman and Santa walking behind the truck collecting donations. Caelan was completely freaked out about Santa. He was really scared and kept talking about him walking down the road. We don't go Christmas shopping so he hasn't seen them in the stores).

Me: You don't need to be scared of Jesus. Jesus loves you and cares for you. Why are you scared of Jesus?
C: Scared Jesus run away.
Me: What are you scared of?
C: Scared of Jesus on the road.
Me: Oh, sweetie, that wasn't Jesus, that was Santa!!

We have not talked with Caelan about Santa at all before this. He has seen Santa on Wiggles end of year show ( one year ago) and maybe on a few Christmas cards. But obviously, to my horror, he has associated Jesus and Santa with Christmas and thought they were the one and the same. Hopefully now we have been able to differentiate between them for him.

Cooking blunder

I am just in the process of making some Christmas presents - a great idea where you put dry ingredients in a jar for a muffin mix or something of the like and add a recipe for the wet ingredients.

They mainly use plain flour and baking powder. So, a small question to you budding cooks out there... what happens when you put cream of tartar in, instead of the baking powder??

Hmmm, I am thinking maybe that maybe McKenzie's should take 'Baking' off the front of the label of all these types of ingredients in the same shaped container. It can get very confusing!!

More Pay! Better Conditions!

Apparently Elisha is on strike. My only problem is I don't know what the demands are. 5am Sunday morning was the last time Elisha had a breastfeed. Since then, he has flatly refused the breast, crying and pushing me away everytime it is offered. He was having 3 feeds a day up to this point. I was probably going to drop his lunchtime one after Christmas and just be down to morning and night feeds. He's not really that happy about the whole thing himself. The last two days he has been extremely grumpy, trying to climb all over me and yet not really knowing what he wants (only what he doesn't want!!)

Googling the problem, I found that this is called a 'nursing strike' where bubs can flatly refuse to breastfeed for a variety of reasons. One of them is teething and possible sore gums. He has two teeth just about through. So I am hoping this is the issue for him and when they are through we might push through this awful stage. Apparently, these strikes usually only last 2-4 days - we are on day 3 now.

He is now over 10months old. I aim to breastfeed my kids until they are one, then go straight from breast to cup. We are so close, it is frustrating. At one point, I probably wouldn't have thought this event would worry me but it does. I feel frustrated (let alone a little sore), and a little bit grieved. I do feel a bit robbed. I might have even kept up his morning feeds for awhile longer- especially when he wakes at 5am. I could feed him and put him back in bed. This is much harder to achieve without the breastmilk. Don't really want to have to start 5am breakfasts!

So at the moment I am back to expressing breastmilk, to keep up my supply. I figure I'll do this until he cuts his teeth and maybe a day or two longer. If he still isn't interested I guess I'll call him weaned. I suppose this gives me some small insight into some of the grief other mums must feel when they have issues feeding much earlier in the bub's life. So I guess I should be grateful for 10 good months of mummy's milk.

And it is just like Elisha to do this. Caelan was my textbook baby. Elisha is my unpredictable one. Just when I think we are in some sort of pattern, he throws it out the window and changes all the rules on me. I guess he figured it was time to throw another curve ball!!

The blessing of generous hospitality

Tasmania has become a yearly 'pilgrimage' for us. 2008 was our fifth visit as a married couple. We love this part of the world. The pace, the landscape, the freshness, the stunning coastlines, its historic beauty, the food, the wine and great friends. The benefit of having been to Tassie numerous times before is that we don't feel the pressure of having to see a lot of places and travel the whole state. We are very content covering very little territory, staying in one or two places and revisiting our favourite spots.

We are very blessed to have great friends that live in Launceston. For the third year in a row, they have accommodated us for the most part of our holidays. It is a place where we are able to unwind and relax. They live in a lovely house with a stunning garden full of blooms, vegetables, chickens, ducks and rabbits! We have thought provoking and fun conversations and very much enjoy our hostess' amazing cooking. So it is a good place to go with two young children. Everything on hand that you would have at home, other kids to occupy Caelan and Elisha, someone else to do most of the planning, cooking and shopping. A real treat! We are very thankful for their generous hospitality. I am not sure whether we would do the whole stop a different place every couple of nights with young kids - let alone the cost of it!

Our friends have two daughters: Ruth (8, pictured right ) and Rebekah (5, pictured left). They are beautiful girls who were very patient and kind to our boys. They even shared their bedroom with Caelan. We went to a few parks together. One amazing park is City Park, where the photos in this post are taken. The grounds are superb and the highlights include ducks, japanese macaques monkeys, a fantastic playground and a 'train' ride and great coffee.

Saying goodbye

My grandfather's home sold recently and last monday he handed over the keys. I went over Monday morning to walk around the house and yard once more... remembering childhood games and sleepovers at granma's and granpa's. I sat outside in their peaceful garden beside their pool and wondered how to say goodbye. Knowing that saying goodbye to this place was also saying a final farewell to my grandmother who died 8 years ago.

An embrace.

Wholeness. Entirety.

A holding on. Tight.

Not letting go.

Closeness.

Imparting meaning.

An exchange of hearts.

Saying goodbye.

Leaving part of you behind.

How do you embrace a place?

Childhood memories?

Something so cherished.

Yet cannot be held.

Weakness... our greatest strength??

Well, we are back from 2 weeks in Tasmania. We had a good holiday, all in all and enjoyed being away and having a real break. A holiday with young children however, will never be completely restful - as we well know. I will probably take a few blogs over the next week to update on some of our holiday. The first will have to be what ended up consuming a lot of our thinking and energy.

In the last 6 months or so, Caelan has developed quite a number of fears - often about quite irrational things. Firstly, it was over things with loud noises, like lawn mowers, vaccum cleaners, tractors, power tools etc. It then developed into a fear of most animals (although completely inconsistent) especially when they moved towards him or made sounds - like cows mooing etc. Then perhaps because of the association Caelan made between noise and objects, he started to fear the object itself even when it was making any noise. Thus he is scared of his Opa's farm truck (even when it isn't turned on). Caelan loves all these things in toys and books - especially trucks but not in 'real life'.

So I figured the plane trip to Tassie would be interesting, but nothing prepared us for the 1.5hour journey we had with Caelan. In hindsight, I should of prepared Caelan a lot more since his last plane trip was one year ago. We talked about going on a plane. He was all excited about it and talked about it for days. He was great at the airport, getting onto the plane, he settled into his seat, proud to be doing up his seatbelt. As soon as the plane started take off, Caelan flipped out. He pretty much screamed the whole way telling us he wanted to get off the plane. He was so pretrified. It was a very traumatic experience for everyone involved. Nothing would distract him. Adriaan spent most of the journey standing in the back cabin with Caelan clinging onto him for dear life. He finally screamed himself to sleep for about 20min before we had to belt him back in for landing.

We felt horrible. There was so much fear in his eyes that could not be consoled. We could not remove him from the situation even though he was pleading to be removed. As you can imagine, contemplating the trip home took a lot of our thinking, energy and conversation during our two week stay. If there was any other way home, I would have taken it. But Caelan is just as scared of boats as he is planes. And the boat trip would take a lot longer!!

We tested some Phenergan on Caelan a few days before flying out - it had little or no effect on him!! So we knew we had to face the inevitable. We spent a number of days talking about the plane, making the plane sound fun and reading books about the plane trip. I went shopping with Caelan for special plane treats -which he could only open on the plane. The biggest hit was 'Cars' toys - Sally and Filmore. This hard work paid off. The flight home was not without fear or anxiety, but he sat on Adriaan's lap for the whole journey, played with his new cars and ate 'circles' (cheese rings). The key was keeping him from getting himself into a heightened panicked state in which we could not bring him down from. We were mentally exhausted at the end of it.

Caelan is a sensitive kid. He is prone to moodiness - his moods can change very quickly. He is cautious and doesn't take many risks without knowing some security. He seems very aware of his own body's capability and doesn't push much beyond. At present we are struggling with him saying he is scared of silly things - like 'Caelan's light' and the bath plug! My prayer for him is that his current weaknesses will become one of his greatest strengths. That God will grow in him a sensitivity to his own and others emotions, a compassionate heart, thoughtfulness, care and a good fear of God with a pronounced sense of the urgency in making Jesus' light shine.

Little Life

We moved into our existing neighbourhood over 10months ago. Our deep desire was to see relationships build with those around us. We had and still have a desire to bless others with the love and grace of Jesus. These last months have been a testimony to God's leading and bringing opportunities across our paths rather than us going in search of such things. We have seen some relationships blossom beautifully and have in turn been greatly enriched ourselves.

A few nights ago we witnessed God at work again, in an amazing way. A family near us had a baby boy about 7 weeks ago. We had had a few conversations with them before then. We were able to supply them with hot chocolate and donuts when they moved in on a stormy winter's night and cook them a meal when the bub was born. Other than that there has only been a few snippets of conversations here and there.

Then at 3.45am there was a banging on our front door. The mother was standing there, her babe in arms, crying, asking for help because her son wasn't breathing properly. We weren't really sure what to do. The father had called an ambulance. I wasn't even sure if there was something wrong; the bub was breathing. They said he was very lethargic, not waking up for a feed and not really responding. Maybe he's just really tired I thought. But I also knew that most mothers have a pretty good gut instinct about their children. I don't really know why, but I took him out of her arms and shook him above my head. His eyes opened and look reasonably alert. He stuck his tongue out and put his fist up to his mouth. I said 'He's alive'. I knew these things were good signs.

Some relief was brought to the situation. During this time Elisha had woken and needed to be resettled. Adriaan was attending to him. Our neighbours went back to their house to wait for the ambulance. I went to relieve Adriaan. We went to see if things were ok, but the ambulance had gone and the house locked up again. We assumed everything was ok.

The next day, the father came over late in the day, saying the ambulance had taken the baby because he had a SIDS episode. Apparently, his breathing was slowing and was shutting his body down. When I shook him, I jolted him back into a normal breathing rhythm and probably saved his life. The bub is still in hospital now, they are still monitoring him and his breathing.

God's timing and prompting in this situation has amazed me. The prompting of the mum to come and ask for help from acquaintances. His prompting for me to shake the bub. The fact that if it had happened a week later, we wouldn't be here (we are off to Tasmania tomorrow for two weeks). Now of course, we wait and see what God has in store. We really feel this has been another way God has opened up opportunity for us to minister into these people's lives. An opportunity to show Jesus' love and compassion. An opportunity to be present with them in a difficult time. And an opportunity to be blessed by them in return.

The timing that does seem strange to me is that we are going on holidays: unable to be here or help them. ( still not sure how stable/serious the baby's condition is). But if this situation shows us anything, we can trust that God's timing is absolutely perfect. I hope to go to the hospital today and see the mum briefly before we go.

If I am learning anything this year as we journey in a different direction, it is to wait on the Spirit. Too often we get great ideas, seize what we think is a great opportunity, plan for the future and expect God to assist us in our plans. God in his graciousness often does. I am trying not to get hung up on things that maybe I could have said or done or frustrated at situations that don't go how I think they should go. Instead, realising that God opens the doors and in his timing will things flourish. I am learning to listen. And God is proving faithful.

Too tired

I haven't been blogging very much lately mainly due to tiredness. Everytime I get a few moments to blog, it's too hard to engage the brain. Elisha has become quite a challenging baby again of late. He doesn't seem to cope very well with teeth or sickness. (I think I was very spoilt with Caelan). So the last couple of weeks, Elisha has been waking a minimum of 3 times in the night - up to every hour or two when he was pushing his third tooth through. I think now he is just in a bad habit after waking cause of his teeth.

He is also fighting his day sleeps as well. So even now, this post is kinda forced. Too tired to really think about what to write.

How is it that two small beings can suck so much energy out of two fully grown adults in the last 2-3hours of the day?

For those that are wondering, Lishi's ear is fine. The tear was probably not as deep as I originally thought and baby's heal fast!

One brief moment is enough...

When it comes to emergency situations there are generally two types of people ( so I am lead to believe). Those amazing people who can keep their cool, think clearly, not panic and bring wisdom and logic to the situation. And then there are those who just lose it, panic, go into shock, can't think straight or even talk straight!

I assume most people would like to think they would fit into the former category, at least to some extent. Nobody wants to be the one that panics and does irrational things. These are not what heroes are made of in the movies.

I have had only two experiences in my life which have led me to understand something of myself. As much as I find it irritating and frustrating, I fall into the latter category. The person whose brain gets muddled, to whom shock sets in immediately and their strength is sapped.

11 years ago my family was on one of our many trips exploring Australia. We were in SW Queensland, about 500km west of the coast. Having left the small town of Dirranbandi, we were headed to Lightening Ridge. Just after dusk, my father came out of a bend in the road and ploughed into at least 6 black angus cows. Amazingly, no one was hurt. Our Toyota troop carrier was written off after discovering a crack in the block of the engine. We killed at least two of the cows and their blood and faeces were all over the car.

I went into shock immediately. I kept repeating 'We hit cows, we hit cows, we hit cows.' It was quite an effort for my parents to ascertain from me that I wasn't hurt. I was completely useless in the situation.

There might be a mild hope for someone like me that when I am actually responsible for others - such as my own children, that I might be able to rise to the occasion. But now I am not so sure about that. Yesterday, I had one brief moment of thinking that one of my sons had been seriously injured and that was enough for me.

As Elisha lay on the floor happily playing, Caelan stepped over him (not unusual at all). I saw him do this out of the corner of my eye. All of a sudden, Elisha started wailing, I knew he was seriously hurt by his cry. I picked him up looking for what was causing his pain. Then I noticed the blood from the top of his ear where it joined his head. That was the brief moment of realisation that his ear had been torn from his head, as Caelan must have stepped on it.

There wasn't a huge amount of blood and surprisingly Elisha calmed down relatively quickly. But I started to go into mild shock. I couldn't control it. I think I knew it wasn't serious, but just the thought that something more serious could be or not knowing quite how deep the tear was. I rang Adriaan and the only words I could think to say was 'I think he's o.k. (pause). He's stopped crying now'. For quite awhile afterwards, I still felt my heart thumping and my body felt weak. I know it sounds pathetic. Maybe it is. I don't know. All I know is my reaction is virtually uncontrollable.

It is concerning to me that I might be the only one present for an emergency situation, especially with my boys. My only hope is that the rationale, calm and strength I need could be provided God. Here's hoping I could at least get them to the hospital safely.

I feel terrible for Lishi. We have taped his ear down to try and help the wound heal. As he is Mr Rolypoly in his cot, he keeps bending his ear back and reopening the wound. I still am not sure whether it might need a trip to the doctors for some glue, I'll try and work that out today.

Well, I suppose if you gain nothing else from this post, you now know not to call me in an emergency!

A donkey is a boys' best friend

Over the last few days Caelan has developed an affiliation with one of his stuffed toys - a donkey. It has a creative name: Donkey. We have noticed over the last month or so that Caelan's play has been changing. He is starting to make up stories, role and pretend play. Some of his 'little people' have become mummy, daddy and Caelan.

Today, Caelan took on the role of mummy to donkey. Maybe a girl would develop this sooner, but today was the first time I have noted Caelan cuddling, cradling, rocking, consoling a soft toy. Many times today, donkey was tired and needed to be tucked into bed. He was even scared of Opa's truck and was told 'shhhh, it's o.k, ok'. Up until now Caelan has not had a particular doll, animal or object which has been favoured. Donkey however, was tucked in with him both at lunch and nighttime. We also had to kiss Donkey good night. I wonder whether Donkey will become part of the family...

7 months young

Elisha turned 7 months old yesterday. How the time is flying. It has been a eventful week for 'Sha' (as Caelan still calls him). First, was two bottom teeth finally breaking though on Wednesday. Second, was sitting up on Thursday and third was saying 'da-da-da-da-da' on Friday.

We are continually enjoying Elisha, who has taken very well to solids this last month. He happily enjoys three meals a day and soon will have some snacks as well. He has started to become a lot more active on the floor these last couple of weeks. Always rolling and much happier for longer on his tummy. He has never developed a real interest in toys. He just loves watching and interacting with his older brother.

It's been amazing to watch how Caelan now plays differently with Elisha as well. He seems to know Elisha is older and can interact differently. Caelan has started lining cars and trucks and animals around Elisha and proceeds to identify each item for him.

The two boys have already started wrestling! Caelan lies over Elisha (not with all his body weight) and they roll over together, and Elisha tugs at Caelans hair and kicks him! They both think it is hilarious (so does mummy - that is before one of them loses an eye!) They are great mates already.

In terms of stats, Lishi is still on the smaller side of things. Weighing in at 7.5kg (at 6months) and about 68cm long. But of course, on the cutemeter comes in on equal top with his brother. (in his mother's eyes anyway)

For interest, spot the differences between Caelan (below) at 7 months and Elisha!!

The presence of others

Adriaan left before 5am this morning to catch a flight to Adelaide for work. He won't be home until late Friday night. So it is a good solid 4 days I am alone with the boys. Thankfully we are all feeling much better than last week, although still not 100%.

It is times like these that I am extra thankful for having family close by and willing to let me hang with them for a good portion of this week. When Adriaan has been away in the past, mum has stayed with us. But this week I will probably spend two nights at her house. Having someone else around to help with the kids is wonderful. Mornings and evenings x4 on my own with two young boys is not my idea of fun!

Some people like solitude and don't mind their own company. Adriaan is one of those people. I am not. I just like company. We don't have to be talking, but someone just to hang with. Someone to help fill the void. Mere presence is enough. Isn't it interesting the way that we are wired; there is a deep desire in most of us to find the 'one' person to share the rest of your life with. When we travel, see a movie, watch a sunset, we want to share it with someone else; a spouse, a friend, a sister. 'I wished you could have seen it with me.' Something significant is gained when an experienced is shared. Perhaps part of it is the building of memories and stories with others. If you do it alone, retelling the story in years to come is no where near as much fun.

I suspect a big part of it is a reflection of how we were created. God in himself is in relationship. He exists not as one but three. When he works in the world he works as Father, Son and Spirit. God is relationship.

If (God was) simply One God and only One Person, then you would find yourself in this Creation without something wonderful, without something essental even. And (God) would be utterly other than (he is)... All love and relationship is possible for you only because it already exists within (God). Love is not the limitation; love is the flying.

-William P. Young, The Shack, p.101.

So when we yearn to be with others

we could remember that this is something to be deeply thankful for. Our yearning images the One who yearns to be restored to all his creation. And how wonderful to know that when we begin a journey with the maker of all, he welcomes us into his awesome presence. In grace and wisdom he gives us his Spirit to walk and journey with us.

His presence with us. Immanuel.

When your head feels like it's going to explode!

Well, life is green at the moment but not in the way I normally use green!! Kids noses running... need I say more?

Adriaan started the ball rolling getting sick at the end of last week, next in line Caelan, then me, and dear little Elisha is getting it now I suspect. Not fun. This has to be the worst... being sick and having to look after sick kids. It's one thing to be up in the night numerous times with your nearly 7month old when you are well, but it is a complete other when your head feels like someone stuck an axe into it, your ears are aching and your nose is unceasingly itchy.

Not much more to say really. And anyway kids are grizzly and want some attention.

Elisha gets wet

On Sunday, Elisha was baptised. It was a wonderful day full of much blessing. We had it at a home where we often gather for church. It is a beautiful home, as are its inhabitants. We thank them for their willingness to host the day and the way they welcome strangers into their home. It was a chilli day, so the fireplace was raging, we had morning tea with family and friends and then one of Elisha's adopted grandparents along with the help of his maternal grandfather baptised him.

I thoroughly enjoyed the relaxed nature of the day. People seemed to have time just to hang together in a very inviting environment. It was also wonderful to give our families an opportuity to meet some of the people in our church. People who have become very dear to us in a very short space of time.

Here are some photos of the day:

Smiley Elisha

Opa, Cousin Luke and Caelan

In the garden

Those momentous moments...

Well, we have reached 6 months! Yay! Elisha is growing really well. He is a very smiley and content little boy. You only have to look at him and he gives you this wide mouthed smile. I am pretty excited at this milestone - more for me than anything else. I would not describe myself as a 'baby person.' As cute as they are, I enjoy life more when they are a bit older. So I am very excited to have reached 6months with this little man.

We also started solids this week. He has taken to them real quick, much faster than Caelan did. He can't seem to get enough of them. So this also makes me happy, cause the sooner he takes to solids the sooner we can reduce breastfeeds (again something I don't particularly enjoy that much.) Elisha is almost sitting up. With a few props he can sit fairly well for a short time. He is really straining to sit up.

Tomorrow is also going to be a momentous occasion. Elisha is being baptised into God's family. So we are really looking forward to this precious moment with family and friends. (More about that next post).

Definately a boy!

Warning: the following content contains toilet humour.

Our two and a bit year old has just proved to us that he definately has the boy sense of humour! That's right... toilet humour. Of course, if your girl is like this, then please inform me otherwise!

Last night, Adriaan and I were tucking Caelan in bed. We normally say prayers and sing "Jesus loves you". As soon Caelan lay his head on his pillow he eagerly asked for prayers. This is a bit unusual. We closed our eyes and Adriaan said, 'Dear Jesus,'. In perfect timing, Caelan let one rip. All three of us burst out into laughter. Caelan thought it was the best joke ever and couldn't contain himself. Three times Adriaan tried to pray, and each time only got as far as Dear Jesus before Caelan would push out another 'blurt' (it's always hard to know what to call them).

Finally, Caelan ran out of puff and Adriaan only said a quick prayer before Caelan succeeded in having us all in fits of laughter again. I know G0d would have appreciated the joke.

The scary thing is, I am sure that Caelan had this all planned. He was a little too eager to say prayers, close his eyes and be quiet. He normally isn't that co-operative. Here's hoping this doesn't become part of the bedtime routine.

He's got the whole world in his hands

Our good friend Jackie gave Caelan a musical book. Each page has song words, the musical score and a picture. There is a corresponding button which plays the tune for each page. Caelan's favourite page is He's got the whole world in his hands. The picture is of different animals and plants from around the world.

A week or so ago we started inserting something from the picture into the song. So Caelan would say what he would like to sing about... i.e.
He's got the tall giraffe in his hands or
He's got the mountains in his hands or
He's got the tweet tweet bird in his hands... you get the idea.

It's nice to know that God has every tiny detail in his hands.
Today we sang
He's got Caelan in his hands....
He's got Sha (Elisha) in his hands....
and then for the grand finale...

He's got Caelan's socks in his hands,
He's got Caelan's socks in his hands,
He's got Caelan's socks in his hands,
He's got the whole world in his hands!

here today...

My grandfather is in the process of getting his home ready to be put on the market within the next week or two. It has been his home for the last 20years, 12 of which he shared with my grandmother. Over the last couple of weeks we have been helping him weed, prune and clear out an overgrown garden and clean/sort his house. It was a huge job (and still not finished) which would not have happened without my mum's many hours of hard labour.

It has been a bit strange going through this process. It has happened rather rapidly. Granpa decided to look at retirement villages one day and put a deposit on a place that same day! It has been an emotional journey for my mum, aunt and uncle as they say goodbye to the last place their mother lived, as they sort and throw much of her beloved nick nacks and say goodbye to the place that still has so much of her presence in the pink and bold decor. In some ways, it is like saying goodbye to her all over again.

It has been strange watching the stress and anxiety levels rise in my granpa as he feels overwhelmed at the tasks ahead and the muddle in his head in trying to make sense of it all. And again, the emotional ties with the home that he shared with his wife for many years.

It has been strange as a grandchild to walk around the backyard remembering the swimming races we had in the pool, the 'red wine' we used to make out of pink bouganvillea flowers, the fairy bread that Granma would sneak us cause Granpa didn't like it getting in his carpet, the sleepovers we had with friends at Granmas, and the sausages and toast for breakfast.

Objects, smells, places play such an important role in who we are. Our memories are tied to these. How often we forget something until we see a certain place, smell that certain fragrance or hold that certain object. No wonder it is so hard to say goodbye. It is inevitable that the goodbye is not just to that 'house' but to the memories attached. Some will carry on with us. But some will fade with the passing of time.

Experiences like this produce a funny tension. At one level, you see the ludicrous nature of 'stuff'. The endless accummulation of things which only get piled up to send to vinnies. It gives you a clearer picture of the fruitless endeavour of buying, collecting and more buying. Yet, at the end of it all, not all of it is worthless. Not all of it can be sent to vinnies. Some stuff might be cheap and tacky to one person, yet be of much value to another. It represents something of much more worth than what the object itself is.

How do you know if you are holding on too tight? What would happen if all these things gave way? Could your heart cope? Or would it fail?

Teach us to number our days,

That we might gain a heart of wisdom.

Grass withers, flowers will fade,

But the word of the Lord stands forever.

(Psalm 90:12; Isaiah 40:8)

Stepping out

All is quiet at the moment as both boys sleep. They are both better - with just the residue cough and mucus still hanging around. For the first night in weeks, Elisha slept through till 5am. I was very grateful for a full nights sleep.

In the last few weeks I have done something quite bold and chosen to 'step out' of my comfort zone. I wanted to find a way to connect more with people around me in this neighbourhood. I have been wanting to lose weight for awhile, but have lacked motivation. I thought of joining a weight loss group but life is still too unpredictable with Elisha, let alone probably not being able to afford it. I know that it is much easier to lose weight with others. So I thought I might try and start my own.

I thought that this idea might just come to me and I would never get the guts to do anything about it, but somehow I did. I letterboxed the nearest 40 houses to me, with a letter asking others to join me on a weight loss journey. I got 5 responses. So on Wednesday nights at 8pm a few ladies come round to my house for about an hour and we chat about weight loss issues, set goals, encourage one another, keep a record of our weight and some of us are starting to walk together.

It's a bit of work on my part, doing research and preparing handouts and things to chat about during the night, but I am pumped about it. The dynamics of the group work really well and everyone is interacting . Having something in common to work towards together means the group has jumped over some of the inevitable barriers we face when we first get to know people. I think having to be vulnerable with one another (like others knowing what we weigh) means there is an element of trust built into the group which would not be there otherwise. The fact that we all live so close (in the same block) means endless possibilities of sharing each others lives.

I give all thanks God for knitting this together and giving me the idea in the first place. He has gone before me and just when I was getting discouraged with the group, thinking it wasn't going to work, he surprised me with something so beautiful beyond what I could have imagined for a first meeting! I am so thankful for his faithfulness. He has given Adriaan and I a vision of what our lives could look like when we live authentically with those around us. He has opened up a door to see some of that vision unfold. That this could be the seeds of God doing something great in this small community of everyday people.

Grrr...

I suppose it had to happen sooner or later. I am in the middle of experiencing what it is like to have 2 sick kids at once... and all I can say is GRRRRR....

Thankfully, neither I nor Adriaan are sick (yet). So that is one experience yet to be had. Caelan is coping o.k. and has been sleeping well with a little help of some dimetapp! Poor little Lishi, though. I was up a number of times with him and once for 1.5 hours - he was just plain miserable.

I probably don't need to write the obvious that mamma is tired.

Drinking deeply

...from the well of relationship. These days Sundays produce a deep satisfaction within me. Our church meets at a variety of homes and today it was at our place. 4 other people arrived around 11.30am and the last person left at 5pm. Once upon a time, a 5.5 hour church service would have been very hard to endure, but these days I could church with others for hours on end.

For those that are wondering what we do for 5.5hours in church... well it's quite simple. We gather at someone's house. We have coffee and nibbles, chat about our week, maybe sing a couple of songs, maybe read a story to Caelan and Elisha, have a loungeroom conversation about the Scriptures and the contours of our lives. We share stories, affirm one another, pray for one another. Caelan and Elisha get lots of cuddles from their adopted grandparents. We eat some great food together, drink some good wine, have more coffee with sweets. Chat some more; both the deep and significant as well as the humorous and insignificant. Finally everyone goes home. Pretty simple. No rocket science involved and to be honest not a whole lot of planning either. But with all the lack of program, agenda and structure emerges the most satisfying conversations and relationships that I have ever experienced in my 27years of church.

This is not to say that any of my previous relationships have never reached this level - but they were only ever occasional or glimpses. For this can only ever be the case when the focus of church is the one person up the front. In the past deeper relations occurred when we'd have someone over for a meal or at a church camp or when bible study went on a tangent into the deep contours of someone's life. So to share week by week focusing on one another as we meet over God's word is incredible.

What is so deeply satisfying? I have considered this question a lot. I think the answer is that we meet in a context where grace and freedom abound. No rules, no regulations, no meaningless traditions upheld for not offending the few. There is freedom to speak, to say something crazy and not be hollered down. To disagree or to challenge. Freedom to live our lives in our neighbourhood without feeling torn. Torn between attending church meetings or programs and having dinner with the neighbours next door. Freedom to even spend time with our neighbours instead of 'going to church'. Grace because in such a small group it has to be the centre. We can't just avoid the person we have hurt or don't like. There is no sense of having to measure up to a certain standard, certain model or type. Everyone fits, sane or insane, because grace abounds. Grace means it's ok to fail. Grace means that everyone can have a turn at bellringing (or you might know it as leading) instead of the reigns being tightly controlled out of fear that someone might say the wrong thing.

Please don't hear me wrong. This is in no way a perfect church. I suppose I paint this picture because it is so different to any experience I have had before. Although flawed and weak, we want to grow together. There is a sense in which we hold out a vision of what each person in the group could be. We encourage each other to grow into that space. To have the eye of faith for what could be . To dream. To think the impossible. To seek to bless this world with compassion, justice and good. To encourage each other as God's agents in bringing in his new creation.

The gospel has never been so big and so exciting (and a little bit scary). My concern for my community is no longer just about evangelising it and then feeling guilty cause I am not doing that real well. We encourage each other to see God's plan as bigger than just that. To see the world as God's project. We need to live now on behalf of that project. Making it a better place. To fill it with truth, integrity, goodness, compassion, grace, justice and love. Through these things our prayer is that our neighbour's will know the love and salvation of Jesus. That they too would join us on this amazing journey that God has placed before us.

Through the eyes of a child

What does life hold when viewing it from the perspective of a child? As adults, we can only imagine. It's very hard to go back to that space, after we've grown up and had life experiences which have given us both deep joy and deep grief. Kids see life simplistically. As a parent, it is refreshing to see little people view life this way, when ours seems overly complicated. So what are the things filling my boys' lives at the moment?

Caelan is presently 2years and 4 months. He is getting taller but not much heavier I suspect ( You need to eat to put on weight, right?)

Favourite activities: jumping and wrestling, running, playing with water (even if it's freezing cold), dancing and singing along with the wiggles, singing songs with actions, playing with trucks, cars, buses and trains, looking at the stars, making a cake with mummy.

Favourite food: This is a touchy subject. Caelan eats such a limited variety of food - however, he loves plain crackers and cheese.

Caelan adores other people. Whenever other children or adults are around he goes a little 'wild'. He loves our family and the people in our church. He often recites the lists of people that he loves to see and interact with.

Things I particularly love about Caelan: Although, a bit rough, I think he has a gentle soul. He is sensitive to feelings and gives lots of cuddles and kisses. Caelan is a people person. Easily giving kisses goodnight to people he has never met before, learning their names and asking about them the next day. Caelan has a musical bent - it's delightful to watch him learn songs, dance to just a beat without music and try all sorts of dance moves!

Elisha is 5 months old. He is a smaller boy but happy and healthy. He is only just moving into 00 clothes. At 4 months he was 6.4kg and 63cm long.

Favourite activity: Watching his older brother. Caelan plays 'boo' with him from behind the lounge. This always produces laughter in Elisha.

Favourite toy: at the moment seems to be his fist! He still doesn't hold onto much, but loves shoving his bib into his mouth.

Favourite food: Mummy's breastmilk of course! More to come on that in a month or so!

Things I have observed about Elisha: He doesn't sleep much during the day. Seems he might be a people person as well. Doesn't like to miss out on what is happening. He has 2-3 sleeps during the day. One will most likely be 1.5hrs and the others 45min. He is now sleeping better at night again - goes 8hours on average. He is very smiley and giggles a fair bit.

Best thing for Mummy: Both go to bed about 7pm. So most evenings I have some space to myself and with Adriaan. Yay for that!

Brothers

I didn't really have any expectations about what Caelan's and Elisha's relationship would look like at this stage. If I had given it any thought, I probably wouldn't have expected much - maybe some love and affection from Caelan but not that much from Elisha at 5months. How wrong I might have been!

I am astounded everyday at the relationship which is already alive and well between the two brothers. Caelan adores Elisha. He usually wakes up earlier than Elisha and says to me 'bubba wake?' I say 'No, bubba's asleep.' As soon as he hears Elisha, he runs into his room to greet him into the day. He smothers him with love and affection - always wanting to touch him, cuddle him, kiss him, teach him, roll on him, jump on him and of course - take his toys away! The other day Caelan was showing Elisha how to draw. He brought him some paper, which he placed on Elisha's lap and then put a pencil in his hand and moved his hand over the paper to draw. He has started wanting to read books to Elisha. I am told to sit Elisha up on the lounge so Caelan can look at a book with him.

Yesterday, Caelan stayed the night at his grandparents. In the morning he asked my mum 'Sha work?' Of course, work to Caelan is when you are absent from the home, so Elisha was clearly at work! When the two brothers were reunited at the end of the day, Caelan was estatic.

This is no one way relationship. Elisha adores his older brother. He watches him so closely. Elisha's face lights up in a special way whenever Caelan is around. Caelan does not have to work very hard to get a smile or laugh from Elisha. Caelan can do little wrong in Elisha's eyes. Even when Caelan is rolling over the top of him, Elisha thinks it is hilarious. How true is the saying in this instance 'It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye!'

I never expected to be so delighted in observing this precious relationship which cannot really be expressed in words. How I pray that this would continue as they grow together. I pray that 'macho' manhood would never be a substitute for the love that God instills in siblings at such an early age.

Lesson Number One

Never leave your two year old child alone in the house while hanging the washing out.

Sleep! Where art thou?

I had this strange concept in my head that babies were meant to improve their sleep patterns as they got older... ( a little naive I know) My precious Elisha seems to be doing the opposite. Although his day sleep patterns are improving somewhat ( but now catnapping i.e. 40min sleeps), he is getting worse at night. He started off very well as a newborn, doing long 4-5 hour stretches at night and by 6weeks sleeping through the night (8hours at least sometimes 10 or 11hours!). By 14weeks Elisha started waking once in the night again around 3am. This is reasonably common for babies at the 3-4month mark. Although if I gave him at late feed around 10pm then he would generally sleep through till 5.30am!

The last 4 nights have been a disaster for my sleep. He is waking every 2-3hours and wanting breastmilk! What a shock to the system. The last two nights have not been quite as many times and last night I got to sleep for 4.5 hours straight! Yay! (not). What is going on???

It's easier to cope with your first cause you can catch up on sleep during the day when they are sleeping. But with the second, forget sleep. Even if it is the weekend and hubby is home, your toddler makes too much noise for you to get any decent sleep anyway.

I see only one answer. Escape.

We finally made it!

After months of saying that I would get to a local playgroup - we finally made it! It has been hard to get out of the house for the last few months but I finally bit the bullet and decided to go. I nearly didn't go, when Elisha decided not to have a morning sleep, but I was determined that nothing was going to stop me.

It isn't easy forcing yourself to do something that is out of your comfort zone. I really want to make some local contacts and build some good relationships with other mums in the area... but it is hard work. It's hard to go alone to something when you don't know anyone else. But then again, I did drag two kids along with me and that makes things a bit easier. Kids are an easy subject of conversation, and you can hide behind them when conversation is lacking or when you are just plain standing on your own. I am sure many of you know what I mean. Suddenly you need to check on your baby, or the pram needs rocking so that you are 'doing' something. Or you son 'needs' you to help him build blocks or a train track.

It seems like a great group. There are 17 adults (each with one or two if not three kids), so plenty of people to get to know. People were reasonably friendly - once I had introduced myself. What is it about human beings, that we are so reluctant to make others feel welcome?I tried to introduce myself to most of the other mums in the room, but no one initiated it with me. Is it that people are too involved in their own activities that they don't even notice you? Or is there just not enough care to take a small step and say hi.... Anyway, I enjoyed the morning nonetheless. Caelan had a ball running around the hall and for once, there were more boys than girls!

God also surprised me with one other thing that morning. One of our neighbours goes to that exact same playgroup with her 2year old daughter! I have chatted to her a few times, but she is quite shy and the family keeps to themselves. Our other set of neighbours are very friendly so we generally pour more energy into that relationship. So by taking me along to this playgroup (which was a completely random choice off the internet), God was telling me that there is more growing to do with this family next door and not to give up so soon!

So bring on Wednesday mornings!!

Green growth

It seems over the last few weeks my interest and commitment to the garden has increased. I have always loved gardens but never been one to put much effort in myself. Most things I have attempted have not grown terribly well. I am not entirely sure why all this has changed (it's still early days!!) A few thoughts: a) My current life circumstances of being shut up in the home more than I would like have forced me to go outdoors for some therapy! b) Adriaan has more free time on weekends and after work to assist me with certain projects c) the fact that the backyard was virtually devoid of any garden or tree (just lawn and fence) has been a catalyst to make it a more delightful space for me and a space for exploration and discovery for Caelan.

Unfortunately as renters we need to consider what we want to take with us and what we are wiling to leave behind. So there is probably more in pots than I would normally like... but I am thankful all the same.

So today's project was to pot a couple of citrus trees we purchased (lemon and lime) and a few herbs that didn't go in the garden bed. Caelan enjoyed the process of helping fill the pots with soil. Here are a few photos of the process.



My herb garden has flourished over the last few weeks and we are already enjoyed the fresh crunchy lettuce leaves and herbs. In the garden I planted some parsley, dill, thyme, oregano, chives, spring onion, rocket, cos lettuce and mixed lettuce. In pots I have mint, coriander, rosemary and a bay laurel tree. Basil will be planted in the spring. I have also planted lavender bushes, marigolds and a couple of other border flowers and leaves for colour. It's amazing with a little effort how a place can be transformed. May God continue to bless its growth as we continue to enjoy him in the garden.

Shown above are photos of before, after the intial planting and then 4 weeks of growth.

Today's efforts

When the dust settles...

It's been awhile since I have signed in. Life with two young boys keeps me pretty busy and when I do have a moment to myself I am just too tired to engage the brain!! So right now is a pretty rare moment these days.

Elisha is now 4 months old and has finally settled down somewhat. My days are easier with him - he now sends himself off to sleep which has released me from the physical burden of having to 'get him off to sleep' in whatever way I knew how. My secret was dancing with him but was awfully time consuming. I can now take him out in a pram (he didn't like the pram before) and he will fall asleep while at the shops. So this morning we had a lovely outing to Mt Druitt Westfield.

He loves watching his older brother and interacts with him beautifully - laughing at his antics (including being almost jumped upon!) He has been rolling for a couple of weeks and this last week has started pushing his knees up under his bottom. He is very smiley, talkative and giggles a lot. A real delight.

It was only a couple of weeks ago that I was in the thick of tears and tiredness. (Tiredness not gone away yet!! I will have to wait about 15years at least for that one!) Life has become a little more sane and I am feeling a little more human. I coped. I got through that particular hard time. My question is: Is coping enough? Why in the hardest times do we force ourselves to cope alone? Why do we so often isolate ourselves? I was completely isolated during that time with the exception of my mum and Adriaan. We have moved away from our old friends - I could have called someone, but didn't. It was too hard. I didn't want to burst into to tears over the phone and be that vulnerable to anyone. Why so often do people find out about our hard times after the event? Why are we so afraid to let people along side us in the darkness?

I would have loved some company. Someone to come round and just be with me for the day. Someone to take Caelan off my hands for a few hours. Someone to ring and say hi, how are you? But it's hard for people to do that, if they don't know. We are designed as relational beings. To be in relationship with each other and with our Creator. It is a comfort to know that despite the twisted state of our human relationships, the Author of life knows all, sees all. Nothing is hidden from him. He has sent his Counsellor to guide, strengthen and comfort. He was my helper during those trying months. I know that God is enough... that he will provide for every need. Yet, what an amazing tension exists in life... just like Adam in the garden of Eden... we are designed for human relationship too... it is not good for us to be alone.

Why do kids do what they do?

Watching my two and a bit year old son can be a constant source of humour. What goes through his head (or any other toddler his age) to make him do what he does, I will never know. However, it would be fascinating to know! Like why when Elisha is lying on the floor does Caelan have to grab every cushion in the lounge room (approx 10 or so) and pile them up next to him? Why as pictured below, does my mum have to sit on the floor, head on the lounge, also piled high with cushions and then he also have to be covered with cushions? Why when Elisha sits under his play gym does Caelan have to hang daddy's hankies all over the arch so that Elisha can't see anything?


In other news, Lishi (our nickname for Elisha) is now grabbing at objects and Caelan has started eating apple!! For those that don't know, I have a VERY picky and fussy eater. He eats a very limited amount of food and eats no fruit except for bananas which he hasn't been eating the last couple of months. So the fact that he is eating apple is a breakthrough!!

Thanks also to those encouraging comments to my last post. It is heartening to know that I am not the only one who feels these things. All you mums out there - keep going strong in the Lord's grace and strength.

When life isn't always 'green'

The power of speech is an amazing thing.

To be honest, the last 14weeks of my life haven't been that easy. Since Elisha has come into the world, life has been quite hard. Sure, there have been some good days, some wonderful moments, the times when your heart melts at his little smile or giggle. The times where he falls asleep so content in your arms - you can't help yourself - you just have to kiss his soft head.

But as the weeks have worn on I found myself turning more and more inward. Being isolated from networks of friends that I used to have I am sure made the situation worse. I found everyday staring at the same four walls, with the same 2 year old tantrums, the same 3 month old cries made me weary, made me frustrated, made me all of a sudden want a different life, made me not want to be the full time mother anymore.

I had a particularly bad week recently where I think I cried everyday of that week and one day I virtually cried for most of the day. So it was fairly obvious to Adriaan that there was something wrong. I couldn't keep it all inside anymore. I couldn't keep pretending that everything was fine. I had to speak. I had to say the shameful things I was feeling. I had to let go of my pride which told me that I could cope all on my own.

So over a couple of days, I verbalised what had been internalised for quite a while. I was able to speak to my mum and a couple of other people as well. The difference within myself through sheer vocalisation is astounding. No longer do I feel like I am carrying this alone. The burden has lifted and the days are a bit easier. It hasn't solved all my issues and some days I still struggle. I suppose maybe it works because no longer do I have to pretend to be supermum either to myself or to anyone else. I suppose that alone is a pretty huge burden for anyone to carry.

Why green?

I love the colour green. Green is fresh. Green is vibrant. Green is new growth. So is life always greener on the other side of the fence? Perhaps too many of us live life as though it was - or more importantly live life like there is nothing we can do about it.

I chose this title for my blog because our family have started a new chapter in our lives this year. My husband Adriaan changed jobs at the beginning of the year, we moved house, suburbs and had a new baby! We chose this path because our grass wasn't green enough. No, not that we envied other people but rather we desired to live differently to how we were living.

We have chosen to cast a vision of what we would like life to look like. For me, living fresh is part of that vision. It's not that life is always 'green' (or rosy as the other saying goes) - with too young boys at the moment, most days don't feel that 'green'. But it's more of a discovery of loving life - my life - not someone elses'. Of loving people. Of loving this world in its' beauty and abundance. Of loving its' author and creator in all his wisdom and grace.

So a bit like our new herb garden that we planted this weekend, although I might stuggle sometimes (or a lot), I hope to grow abundant and useful fulfilling all that I was created for.