Faithfulness and Thankfulness

I am sitting here on this warm winter evening, enjoying the night air coming through our front door, the sounds of neighbours across the road 'doing up' their car, the silence from our boys' bedrooms and the delightful strumming of my husband on his guitar.

I am thankful for God's faithfulness. We had a wonderful time with our church family today. We enjoyed each other, watched the kids play, sung praises to God, wrestled with concepts of heaven and earth and broke bread together. As someone in our family said; today was a time when heaven and earth overlapped.

As my last blog indicated, the last few months have been rather emotionally up and down. The last couple of weeks, I have seen God's faithfulness towards me and our family. It has been a real time of learning and growing for everyone. We have seen progress in Caelan the last couple of weeks and for the most part I think that is a result of us growing and changing as parents rather than Caelan changing. We have learnt to spend more time listening to Caelan, his needs, his personality and trying to understand where he is coming from. We have come to understand that just because we aren't 'smacking' Caelan nearly as much doesn't mean that the rod is being spared. We have learnt to use play and imagination more in responding to him. As a dear friend once shared - learning to be a thermostat device rather than a thermometer. In other words, don't just state what the temperature is in the room but actively and imaginatively raise or lower the temperature accordingly. This can sometimes be very draining as it calls on more energy reserves than just shouting or commanding... but the results are dramatically different.

I am learning more about my own sin and weakness as I parent. Realising that when Caelan tells me to 'shush' it is usually in response to a harsh tone or a raised voice. I tell him not to be rude - it has only dawned on me recently, that although he needs to learn to not respond like that, I have usually been rude myself in the way I have asked him to do something.

There are still daily challenges and still much growth needed. I am thankful that God answered prayers of mine and many of you who prayed. I am thankful that God has given me some hope for the future - that we as parents will grow and mature and so will our children. That God has not abandoned us but he walks so very closely with us, giving wisdom to the foolish and strength to the weak.

I keep praying for these things as the time draws nearer to bringing another precious bundle into this world. I constantly wonder how I will cope - I need to throw my burdens on him who cares and whose shoulders are much wider than mine.

The loneliness of parenthood

Over recent months I have discovered a depth to the feeling of loneliness that I have never felt before.

A depth of grief, anger and frustration over a child I feel I can't reach.

Overwhelming tears from a well not drawn from before.

Who can help? Who can understand? Who can truly offer advice which suits me, my child and our context?

Playdates, playgroups, mothers groups, cups of coffee. The triumphs, the successes, the developments are forthcoming. But what about fear, failure, distrust, weakness, helplessness?

I suspect I am not alone... but I feel so alone.

My child doesn't fit the mould. The discipline regimes don't seem to work. There is stuff going on inside of him that I can't understand. His emotions run wild, out of control. His fears surface instantly. My heart breaks. I am his mother. I should be able to reach him. But I can't.

Surely at 3 and a half his burden is too great. Did I cause this in him? The sense of failure is great. I am gripped by a fear of the future. Each day is a challenge. I am confused. I lack wisdom. Many days I lack patience. The anger scares me. At times, I muster everything to restrain from shaking, hitting or just screaming at him. Oh Lord, what if one day... one day?

This depth of love and grief cannot be understood until a child is born to you. I didn't understand it before. I wonder at the pain and burden so many parents carry for their children... often alone.

Gracious Saviour, I look to you.
With teary eyes and heart, I cry out.
Who can help?
Who can understand?
I long for answers.
I long for solutions.
Spirit, help me walk this road.
As long and as windy as it may be.