Over recent months I have discovered a depth to the feeling of loneliness that I have never felt before.
A depth of grief, anger and frustration over a child I feel I can't reach.
Overwhelming tears from a well not drawn from before.
Who can help? Who can understand? Who can truly offer advice which suits me, my child and our context?
Playdates, playgroups, mothers groups, cups of coffee. The triumphs, the successes, the developments are forthcoming. But what about fear, failure, distrust, weakness, helplessness?
I suspect I am not alone... but I feel so alone.
My child doesn't fit the mould. The discipline regimes don't seem to work. There is stuff going on inside of him that I can't understand. His emotions run wild, out of control. His fears surface instantly. My heart breaks. I am his mother. I should be able to reach him. But I can't.
Surely at 3 and a half his burden is too great. Did I cause this in him? The sense of failure is great. I am gripped by a fear of the future. Each day is a challenge. I am confused. I lack wisdom. Many days I lack patience. The anger scares me. At times, I muster everything to restrain from shaking, hitting or just screaming at him. Oh Lord, what if one day... one day?
This depth of love and grief cannot be understood until a child is born to you. I didn't understand it before. I wonder at the pain and burden so many parents carry for their children... often alone.
Gracious Saviour, I look to you.
With teary eyes and heart, I cry out.
Who can help?
Who can understand?
I long for answers.
I long for solutions.
Spirit, help me walk this road.
As long and as windy as it may be.
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5 comments:
Oh Cara. I feel your pain. I completely understand!!! There are times when I want to scream (and have occasionally given into temptation) at Shelby for not listening or being defiant...and yes often nothing works!! Why do we not ever discuss this? Because for fear that noone will understand, we'll look like a failure and yet from my understanding of listening to older more experienced mums 3-4 years is a HARD age!
actually scream is probably slightly stronger than I mean..yell/speak very harshly is more accurate.
Just last night we were praying about the behaviour issues of our 3 1/4 year old! There has been a lot of shouting in our house by all three of us. There is no easy answer and I pray for patience for all of us as parents we go through this stage!
Thanks Rach and Fiona for the reassurance that I am not alone in this. All the talk of 'terrible twos' but this is most definately a much harder age. They are bigger, stronger, more defiant and have many more words to communicate it all.
Caelan's age/stage compounded with his anxiety issues makes life very draining, frustrating and an emotional rollercoaster at the moment.
Thanks for the encouragement.
Cara - KNOW that you are not alone!! I think that we are all going thru the same issues, and will pbly all feel the pain of not knowing the "right" way of dealing with things - every situation is different and unique and we can only pray that God will give us the guidance that we need to raise these beautiful children that he has blessed us with!
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