The power of speech is an amazing thing.
To be honest, the last 14weeks of my life haven't been that easy. Since Elisha has come into the world, life has been quite hard. Sure, there have been some good days, some wonderful moments, the times when your heart melts at his little smile or giggle. The times where he falls asleep so content in your arms - you can't help yourself - you just have to kiss his soft head.
But as the weeks have worn on I found myself turning more and more inward. Being isolated from networks of friends that I used to have I am sure made the situation worse. I found everyday staring at the same four walls, with the same 2 year old tantrums, the same 3 month old cries made me weary, made me frustrated, made me all of a sudden want a different life, made me not want to be the full time mother anymore.
I had a particularly bad week recently where I think I cried everyday of that week and one day I virtually cried for most of the day. So it was fairly obvious to Adriaan that there was something wrong. I couldn't keep it all inside anymore. I couldn't keep pretending that everything was fine. I had to speak. I had to say the shameful things I was feeling. I had to let go of my pride which told me that I could cope all on my own.
So over a couple of days, I verbalised what had been internalised for quite a while. I was able to speak to my mum and a couple of other people as well. The difference within myself through sheer vocalisation is astounding. No longer do I feel like I am carrying this alone. The burden has lifted and the days are a bit easier. It hasn't solved all my issues and some days I still struggle. I suppose maybe it works because no longer do I have to pretend to be supermum either to myself or to anyone else. I suppose that alone is a pretty huge burden for anyone to carry.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
BRAVO CARA!!!!!!
I am so proud that you made the decision to blog about your life not being "green" every minute of the day and PLEASE KNOW that you are not alone in any of those feelings. Too many people put away their "honest" feelings and blog about how wonderful every minute of their days are and make me feel like less of a person for having horrid days and even horrid weeks.
Be very proud of what you have gone thru - because it will only make you a stronger person and as the crazy Michael Jackson once sang - YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!!
Hi Cara - thanks so much for your honesty. I can relate to the feeling of being overwhelmed emotionally. I appreciate your perspective on the value of verbalising to the people who God graciously moves into our lives at just the right time.
Thanks again for blogging so we can get a glimpse into the "other side"!
Love,
Christine
I agree with the others! Who is supermum? I feel like I am juggling about 10 balls at once, and they are all suspended in the air at once, and it is only going to take one small thing to make them come crashing down... Not much of what we do in life is easy, non-stressful, basic etc, and as mothers we certainly know how to make ourselves feel guilty that we are not as "perfect" as whoever else is out there. So while I'm not glad you are havng a rough time, I AM glad that you are honest about it, and I wish I was not so run off my feet that I could actually do something practical to help you, besides praying, of course, which I wil continue to do. You are precious to God, and to a lot of us as well!
Post a Comment